So I am looking for it. It. .....it. I am sitting on my couch, with my oh-so-lovely four year old boy while the Reminator is sawing logs in the playpen. I did NOT set the timer on Matai's video game so the odds of King Koopa's roar ending any time soon aren't in my favor. I should do that.....But then I have to stop looking, thinking.....dreaming. It isn't in the laundry, I promise you that. It wasn't in the sink either (however a huge mess of wretchedlystanktified dishes and chili residue, that was there), and as of right now, it isn't on the computer either. So....where is it?
Is it wrong to feel like I am not doing enough? No doubt, my plate is full. A house, an incredible husband, three amazing kids and friends that seem to have made just for me, but what am I actually DOING? I feel like in today's world, when a woman feels as though she isn't doing enough at home, the resolve seems to be finding a career, something with which she can contribute to the family with. Not me. I think my contributions are obvious. I love my family with a ferocity that I really can't put into words, and I am insanely happy. So what is my problem.
So, as I said...I have been looking. And I think I know what IT is. I have a broken heart. What I am looking for has NOTHING to do with what is within these four walls. My heart breaks for what is "out there". What is in the world, what I feel I can not connect with and can not control. My heart breaks for the broken, and the poor, and the estranged, and the addicted, and I don't know where to start.
So...I have been looking.
As fate would have it...I am starting in Haiti.
January 15, 2010 I leave for Dessalines, Haiti, where I will get to DO for people who do not have the means to DO for themselves....and I am terrified. Yeah, you heard me, terrified.
**Photo provided by Emily of Smith Gallery Photography from a trip that she attended in 2008.